A New Story

from Chaz:  What am I afraid of

Part One

Directly speaking I am afraid

Of you and me

I am afraid of this tilted and elliptical

Sphere of earth that is spinning

Out in the middle of the universe

With little care for the intensity of

My life while I do my best to make

My way through the bouts with

The living and the dead and the red

I am afraid of the dark and I am afraid

Of being rejected by women who I can't

Stop being in love with

I am afraid of walking across the street or

Driving my car into town

I am afraid of tonight and tomorrow and

Then I start to worry about next week

Or taking a trip to Africa or of being a

Grandfather or worrying that someone

I know might die or getting the phone call

That your son has been shot at and he better

Not be pulling some shit by calling you late

At night and then you find out he was right

And then you get afraid about that more

And before you know it you are afraid of

The kids down the street and their big dog

Or the big angry kid who throws rocks at

You when you walk by his house right before

Suppertime and you have lots of food at home

And parents who care what time you eat your

Dinner but his Dad works the late shift and his

Mom died a slow death lying on the couch at home

Smoking and drinking and watching game shows

Yeah the kid threw rocks at you while you walked

By on your way home where your mom wanted to

Know what kept you late and his house was dark

And his father couldn't be home to turn the lights on

Yeah he threw rocks at you and he was angry and

You were afraid of him but you also felt sorry for

Him and you didn't run by too fast because you

Wanted him to have a target to feel good about something

But he was kind of a lousy shot and you never

Got hit by the rocks but you got hit with your mother

Wanting to know what's up little boy

But you don't know what 's up so you say

I don't know and she looks at you and nods her

Head and says may the world be kind to this

Little kid because he's going to need some help

But I smile inside because I know something the

Angry big kid down the street doesn't

But then you find you are afraid of people who

Are angry at you or people who expect too much

From you or then you are afraid to go to the mail

Box because someone will be suing you or the tax

Man wants something more from you and you

Have given all you can and you need some rest but

Life keeps on taking and then you say I'm not afraid

Any more and I can accept this pain and this works for

A while until you work your pain down some more and

You find there is more you are afraid of at every level

You can Om and Om and Om and explain to people you

Are a vessel for light and you are useless in this life for

Anything else but they just tell you to get something to

Eat and get a good night's sleep and all will be better

You wake up in the morning and in an hour you have

The police surrounding you and they have computers

And maps and guns and radios and they want some

Explanations and you stumble for words but you are

White so everything is ok and while you drift back to

Your car and you remember how afraid of the police

You were as a kid and how you brought home three police

Cars and your dad was a traffic judge or maybe some other

Kind of judge but you were afraid they were going to take your

License away and then you are afraid of your dad who goes

To court with you and he tells the judge you are afraid of to

"Throw the book at the kid."

And then you are afraid that you'll never see your girl friend

Ever again because the judge you are afraid of took your license

And then you do see her again and then everything is

Wonderful but you are afraid to tell her parents you have to walk

Home and home is 21 miles away and then you find yourself

Walking home in the very dark night and you are afraid and then you

Are afraid again because no cars are coming by and then after a

Few hours a guy stops who is trying to find a lake to go fishing

In and you lie to him and tell him you know where the lake is

And now conviently the way to the lake goes by your parent's

House and then you are afraid that the fisherman realizes

You are a big liar and you are afraid he will do something crazy

To you but it doesn't matter because you are almost home anyway

And you are afraid that you are so tired that you couldn't defend yourself

So you say let me out of the car and just take a right up the hill

And you'll find the lake and then you are afraid of him turning the car around and

Following you to yell at my parents for having such a liar as a kid

But he drives off and you run home

And it's 4am and I'm afraid of what to tell my parents and I'm afraid if

I don't have a good reason for coming home at 4am I will be afraid of what

Comes next so I let my fear get a hold of my brain and I try and sneak in

The basement and I'm afraid that my father is going to catch me and I was

Right he caught me and then I had to be afraid of what he was going to do

God I need a rest

Charles Grimes