Chaz Writes: "Shame . . ."

Shame

I have a great pain in my stomach tonight.  I know this pain has nothing to do with my physical health.  This pain is from the depth of my shame.  From deep down in the basement of my soul.

As a very small child I became aware that my mother's health was compromised by having children.  I knew that I was healthy and strong but my mother was suffering by bringing me into life.  I became dreadfully shamed by this.  I denied my mother's health problems and forced myself to be fun and positive in order to ease the deep down shame of feeling that I was slowly destroying my mother's health.  If I had accepted the pain of this shame about my mother I would have been overwhelmed by shame and without the ability to function.  Or though I thought as a small child. Whenever I touched the nerve about my mother's health it would paralyze me so I just developed a denial mechanism.  Denial was easier for me to comprehend.   I had taken responsibility for my mother's health and I had no one to tell me anything different.  I needed someone to tell me that I was wrong but there was no one to talk to but myself.

As I started school I began to wet the bed as a six year old.  I hadn't wet the bed much as a small child and my father used to say what a trooper I was for not causing extra work for my mother by not wetting the bed.  It's funny but my father acknowledging my strength meant a great deal to me.  I wanted to be a warrior.  I guess starting school was stressful for me and one night I awoke with the knowledge that I had wet the bed.  I was so ashamed that I lay in the bed with complete bewilderment.  What was I going to do I couldn't let anyone know because I would be making my mother work hard.  I also knew that I would be stigmatized for being a bed wetter.  I would be shamed.

I got an idea lying there and I ran to the bathroom and grabbed my sister's hairdryer and spent an hour blow-drying the wet pea dry so no one would know about my shame.  I covered up and I have been covering up my shame ever since.  I have become very good
at covering up my shame.  For most of my life the outside world would hardly have seen my pain.  I was the emperor of denial.  But as I grow older the shame won't stay put.  It wants out.  My shame wants to be freed so that I can learn to accept myself and accept reality for what it is.  I heard recently that Krisnamurti was never bothered by what happened.  Good or bad he accepted reality for what it was and acknowledged the bad as equally important as the good.  He would welcome the bad as a guest just as he made a place for the good.

When I heard this I decided that I needed to make changes in how I accepted reality.  I needed to stop denying the bad and accepting the good.  I decided that I too needed to learn how to not be bothered by the bad news.  Stop being ashamed of the bad.  It is not a reflection of my shortcomings, or my flaws that I am experiencing hardship.  Hardships are part of life and not a finger pointed at me for being weak.  Hardships are just a part of reality.  I have to welcome hardships and pain at my table.  I have to push through the pain of my shameful behavior and stop the suffering I am committing against myself for being ashamed.  I have to accept myself and accept reality for what it is and stop allowing my ego to put a spin on what is so that I don't have to understand the suffering I am causing myself and those around me.

Tonight I have a great pain in my stomach because another wave of shame is surfacing.  I have a list of phone calls to make, people to tell I can't make them happy and as I accept this as the truth my stomach is writhing in pain.  I am doubled over and can barely walk across the room and I still am trying to not let the pain out.  I sit in the dark and hope the pain goes away but I know I have to let go of this pain.  It is too powerful and it wants to be released.  I have so many people to work things out with but I need to start with myself.  Somehow if I can let go of the idea that I was responsible for my mother maybe the pain will go away.  If I can let go of the shame I have when the bad comes, if I can stop denying reality and just accept.  Will this make the pain go away?  I am alone with this pain and I live in fear.  I am a suffering Buddha and I need to let the suffering sit with me just as I thrive with the good.  I look above for strength and I look within for guidance.  Hare Krishna.